Friday, March 27, 2009

In Which Yahoo! and Redbook Try to Kill Me

I don't know why I hurt myself reading the "relationship"/"social" stuff off Yahoo! News, but they're my mine e-mail, so I see it a lot and get curious, I guess. And it never fails to annoy, amuse, or cripple my brain. Case in point: Dating Question: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?

Written for women (a) because it's written for Redbook and (b) because, presumably, there are standards of behaviour/expectations for women that differ from men (if you read [b]Redbook[/b]), about relationships between womena dn men, because that's the only arrangement those sorts of things come in, this article explains to me right off that "You've Probably Crossed the Line if You...

"1. Touch your male friend in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his blazer.
2. Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him.
3. Think crush-like thoughts like "He'd love this song!"
4. Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner.
5. No longer feel comfortable telling your mate about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.
6. Experience increasing sensual tension; you admit your attraction to him but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it."

Seriously, now? I mean, let's look closely at these, which to me, appear, as does much of the threatening signs detailed in the article to be pretty much basic elements of any close relationship or friendship.

"Picking lint off his blazer"? Touching "your male friend in 'legal' ways"? Oooooh! you'd best watch out or before you know it, you'll be footing half the bill for an afternoon hotel room. Maybe I should be glad that "you" isn't touching anyone in illegal ways, but seriously, physical contact can only lead to illicit cheating wrong uncouth affairs? "You" should probably learn to control themselves (not to mention this "male friend" that "you" keeps touching all legal and such, but apparently he's not complicit in the affair, he's just there).

If you're going to meet a good friend and you don't pay a bit of attention to how you look, you're kinda being rude. At least, that's my opinion. Heck, if you don't pay attention to how you look before you go out somewhere... who raised you people?

And, Holly Golly, don't ever think someone might like a song when you hear it! Sick sick depraved cheating unfaithful person you are, thinking someone might appreciate a piece of music! (I'm beginning at this point in the article, to believe that "crush-like thoughts" might be the only kind my brain makes.)

Then we have the all-important lesson that you should never ever talk to your friends more than your lover. Ever. And never tell them different things. If your partner/significant other/lover doesn't share an interest... bottle it up and never speak to anyone about it. Ever. Or you're cheating. Emotionally. Tramp. Also, never be attracted to someone you're not with, even for a second, and if you are, don't pretend like you wouldn't if you could. We know you! We can see! Why would you lie like that?

Anyhow, the article goes on to explain that a woman should never put herself in a situation where she is alone with a man she isn't having sex with. They don't say exactly what will happen, but apparently, it's pretty bad. Also, never flirt over the phone or internet or in person. Flirting is the Devil's work. And, see, again, "you" are pretending to believe that "you" can actually control what you will or won't do, what lines will or won't be crossed! How dare you think for yourself, like that?

(This post brought to you by the power of no sleep, Elvis Costello's Mystery Dance, and a firm belief in the axiom that flirting in the only thing you're allowed to do with married folks.)


Anonymous said...

I mean, let's look closely at these, which to me, appear, as does much of the threatening signs detailed in the article to be pretty much basic elements of any close relationship or friendship.

Yes, well, in standard Redbook thinking, women can't have close relationships with men other than their boyfriends/husbands. All of those things are "bad" and "threatening" precisely because they are signs of a normal close friendship.


janjoplin said...

Hey Redbook etal. Stay outta my private head! I'm not knocking ANYONE who makes me feel like combing my hair, washing my face and putting on a bit of lipstick!

Anonymous said...

I think you're missing the point here. It's not that these are signs of a normal, close friendship. It's that they're signs of intimacy. And when you start becoming intimate with another person of the opposite sex, it takes away from the intimacy you experience with the partner you've committed to. It's easy to lose track, and suddenly you're energy and attention is on someone else, and it grows, and grows, and becomes a significant physical threat. Especially when the interest is returned.

--From someone who knows.

Liger Null said...

I say if the intimacy you share with your friends (opposite sex or otherwise) is threatening to your committed relationship, then maybe it's that relationship that needs to be reconsidered.

Just saying...

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